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| Caregiver Blog For The Week Of July 29, 2009 |
Burdens For Blessings
It’s been almost 4 years since I became a full-time caregiver for my Father
(age 87). I remember my reaction when I was first told that he couldn't’ be left
alone. My choices were to have him placed in a nursing home, or to make
sure that someone was with him at all times at home. Since a nursing home
was out of the question, I knew I had to accept that I would be the one to be
with him, and it would be a 24/7 role.
At that time, I had a job that I really liked. It didn’t fulfill my grandest
dreams, but it was definitely allowing me to eat and have a roof over my head.
Since my Father and I already shared an apartment, we split the bills. He had
his Social Security and VA benefits, and I made a very modest living. Since
Orlando is not exactly a cheap place to live, we cohabitated. It was a very good
arrangement. He was still driving, but at 83 (then), he was starting to need
more and more help.
And then, we were sitting in our living room being told the hard truth and
having to face decision time. As I said, we had two options, and there was
only one that was acceptable. Although I thought the situation would be a
difficult one, the decision was quite easy.
So, I sat down and started to count up all the things I would have to give
up, all the things I would be missing out on, all the things that were being
taken from me. As his conditions progressed, he was able to do less and
less for himself. Before long, he had to depend on me for just about
everything.
When I made the decision to take on this role, I really did not realize it would
be a full time job. In fact, it would be more because I would be at attention
every minute of every day. It seemed like no more that 15 minutes could go by
without being summoned. I grew so weary of it; I started to actually hate the
sound of my own name from hearing it called so often.
As my frustrations grew, it started to spill over into interactions between
us. I snapped at him from time to time. Every so often, I would simply do what
needed to be done without any conversation with him at all. I was trying to
start a home run business, but more and more my daily routine started to
transform into one constant interruption.
Since I was no longer bringing an income into the home, money became,
to say the least, very scarce. In fact, his income was supporting both of us,
and by the time we paid rent and utilities, we didn’t have enough left over to
buy enough food for the month. Every day seemed worse than the one before.
One day, something struck me, and at first I found it ironically humorous.
First thing in the morning, every morning, my Dad wakes up singing. He’d
been doing this for some time. I was always aware that this was his morning
thing, but it just hit me a little different this particular day. I started thinking;
here’s this 87 year old guy. He has medical conditions so serious that he
could literally die at any given moment. He can barely do anything for
himself. He’s lost all sense of independence and freedom. He can’t even eat
the foods that he likes anymore. He’s living in this same situation that I’m
living in. He knows we could get evicted or the lights could be shut off any day
now. What could he possibly be singing about? What reason could he
possibly have to have a song in his heart?
Two days later, my car broke down. The repair cost was extremely high.
In addition to this, I was 2 payments behind and my insurance had been
cancelled. If we didn’t have a vehicle, how would I get him to the VA clinic?
How would I get him to see his Doctors? How would I get us food and take
care of things? And why is he in there singing?
I had faced financial difficulties in the past. Although this was a pretty rough
one, it wasn’t so much the money as the constant heaviness, and it just kept
on getting heavier and heavier.
It’s funny what can actually push a person over the edge, to what seems at
the time to be beyond the limits. For me it was when the micro-wave oven
blew out. You see, my Dad was (and still is) on a special cardiac diet. I had
limited cooking skills, so it was very hard to cook meals that would match up
with his nutritional limits. We found “Healthy Choice” meals that he liked and
matched his diet perfectly, and they matched our budget as they were
inexpensive. He would eat these 4-5 times per week. The problem; these
are frozen meals, and they have to be prepared in a micro-wave oven.
At that moment, I was consumed with what I can only describe as rage.
My Mother used to describe it as “white heat; an anger that’s so intense you are
not even aware of anything but the anger you’re feeling.
My girlfriend came home and I blew off some steam. What am I being
punished for? You’d think I was the worst kind of person in the world. How can
all of this be happening to me? I just wanted to run away.
In the midst of my anger quickly transforming into bitterness, I started
hearing a melody coming from my Dad’s room. This actually made me even
angrier. I decided that I was going to put a stop to this once and for all. I
marched to his room and was stopped in my tracks right at his door. I heard
him singing away…
person over the edge? It’s the one little thing that can pull him back; the one
little thing that can save him from a deeper and deeper fall into desperation.
When I woke up the next morning, I could tell he was awake because I could
hear him singing another familiar melody. He had awakened this way so
many days before; I just never really took it in.
different. I got him up and ready for the day and then I sat by myself for a
while. I decided from that point on, I would not see interruptions, I would see
only opportunities. If I was doing something and I felt that it was important and
my Dad called me right in the middle of it, there would be nothing to be
annoyed about. I was not being taken from something. I was actually being
given something far greater than what I was focusing on. When I felt like
directing my attention to what we had to do without, I would redirect my
attention to the incredible things we had, and still have. When I felt that
something was too heavy for me to carry, I would know that it was actually
carrying me and I would not fight it anymore. If I saw myself looking at our
situation with any type of contempt, I would learn to be content thorough the
contents of each moment. I would trade my burdens for blessings.
You see, these things were never really burdens at all. They were always
blessings. I didn’t change anything. I didn’t fix anything. I just realized that
there is perfection and beauty, peace and comfort, joy and happiness, love…In
every situation. If you look for heaviness, you will find it. If you open yourself to
the blessings before you, it’s not that they will find you; it’s that you will know
they have been there all the while.
My girlfriend came home the next day with a micro-wave oven and a car full
of groceries, and this would be one of many. Shortly after that, we were
notified that the government finally acknowledged the fact that his service in
World War II had left him 100% disabled. His compensation was raised to a
level we could actually live on. Most important of all, I get to be with my Father
and help him experience a new day. I get to share in his simple joys. I am
blessed enough to go to bed every night and know that I shared something
with him, and that I received so much more back from him. I am 42 years old
and I still have my Dad. How could that be seen as anything less than
beautiful and perfect.
When things seem to be darkest, know that this too shall pass. When
something happens that seems as though IT is going to make everything OK,
know that this too shall pass. What is really meaningful is to know that no
matter what is going on all around you, there is perfection and beauty in all of
it, and that shall never pass.
If something looks like a burden that makes your steps heavier, see it for
the blessing that it is and let it carry you to heights never imagined.
Right now, an 87 year old man, completely dependent on me for
everything, sits in his room singing a song. He saved my life, but that is
another story, for another day.
It’s been almost 4 years since I became a full-time caregiver for my Father
(age 87). I remember my reaction when I was first told that he couldn't’ be left
alone. My choices were to have him placed in a nursing home, or to make
sure that someone was with him at all times at home. Since a nursing home
was out of the question, I knew I had to accept that I would be the one to be
with him, and it would be a 24/7 role.
At that time, I had a job that I really liked. It didn’t fulfill my grandest
dreams, but it was definitely allowing me to eat and have a roof over my head.
Since my Father and I already shared an apartment, we split the bills. He had
his Social Security and VA benefits, and I made a very modest living. Since
Orlando is not exactly a cheap place to live, we cohabitated. It was a very good
arrangement. He was still driving, but at 83 (then), he was starting to need
more and more help.
And then, we were sitting in our living room being told the hard truth and
having to face decision time. As I said, we had two options, and there was
only one that was acceptable. Although I thought the situation would be a
difficult one, the decision was quite easy.
So, I sat down and started to count up all the things I would have to give
up, all the things I would be missing out on, all the things that were being
taken from me. As his conditions progressed, he was able to do less and
less for himself. Before long, he had to depend on me for just about
everything.
When I made the decision to take on this role, I really did not realize it would
be a full time job. In fact, it would be more because I would be at attention
every minute of every day. It seemed like no more that 15 minutes could go by
without being summoned. I grew so weary of it; I started to actually hate the
sound of my own name from hearing it called so often.
As my frustrations grew, it started to spill over into interactions between
us. I snapped at him from time to time. Every so often, I would simply do what
needed to be done without any conversation with him at all. I was trying to
start a home run business, but more and more my daily routine started to
transform into one constant interruption.
Since I was no longer bringing an income into the home, money became,
to say the least, very scarce. In fact, his income was supporting both of us,
and by the time we paid rent and utilities, we didn’t have enough left over to
buy enough food for the month. Every day seemed worse than the one before.
One day, something struck me, and at first I found it ironically humorous.
First thing in the morning, every morning, my Dad wakes up singing. He’d
been doing this for some time. I was always aware that this was his morning
thing, but it just hit me a little different this particular day. I started thinking;
here’s this 87 year old guy. He has medical conditions so serious that he
could literally die at any given moment. He can barely do anything for
himself. He’s lost all sense of independence and freedom. He can’t even eat
the foods that he likes anymore. He’s living in this same situation that I’m
living in. He knows we could get evicted or the lights could be shut off any day
now. What could he possibly be singing about? What reason could he
possibly have to have a song in his heart?
Two days later, my car broke down. The repair cost was extremely high.
In addition to this, I was 2 payments behind and my insurance had been
cancelled. If we didn’t have a vehicle, how would I get him to the VA clinic?
How would I get him to see his Doctors? How would I get us food and take
care of things? And why is he in there singing?
I had faced financial difficulties in the past. Although this was a pretty rough
one, it wasn’t so much the money as the constant heaviness, and it just kept
on getting heavier and heavier.
It’s funny what can actually push a person over the edge, to what seems at
the time to be beyond the limits. For me it was when the micro-wave oven
blew out. You see, my Dad was (and still is) on a special cardiac diet. I had
limited cooking skills, so it was very hard to cook meals that would match up
with his nutritional limits. We found “Healthy Choice” meals that he liked and
matched his diet perfectly, and they matched our budget as they were
inexpensive. He would eat these 4-5 times per week. The problem; these
are frozen meals, and they have to be prepared in a micro-wave oven.
At that moment, I was consumed with what I can only describe as rage.
My Mother used to describe it as “white heat; an anger that’s so intense you are
not even aware of anything but the anger you’re feeling.
My girlfriend came home and I blew off some steam. What am I being
punished for? You’d think I was the worst kind of person in the world. How can
all of this be happening to me? I just wanted to run away.
In the midst of my anger quickly transforming into bitterness, I started
hearing a melody coming from my Dad’s room. This actually made me even
angrier. I decided that I was going to put a stop to this once and for all. I
marched to his room and was stopped in my tracks right at his door. I heard
him singing away…
- ”Blue Skies, Smiling’ At Me
Nothing But Blue Skies, Do I See
Never Saw The Sun, Shining So Bright,
Never Saw Things Going So Right…
person over the edge? It’s the one little thing that can pull him back; the one
little thing that can save him from a deeper and deeper fall into desperation.
When I woke up the next morning, I could tell he was awake because I could
hear him singing another familiar melody. He had awakened this way so
many days before; I just never really took it in.
- Oh What A Beautiful Mornin’,
Oh What A Beautiful Day,
I’ve Got A Beautiful Feelin’,
Everything’s Goin’ My Way
different. I got him up and ready for the day and then I sat by myself for a
while. I decided from that point on, I would not see interruptions, I would see
only opportunities. If I was doing something and I felt that it was important and
my Dad called me right in the middle of it, there would be nothing to be
annoyed about. I was not being taken from something. I was actually being
given something far greater than what I was focusing on. When I felt like
directing my attention to what we had to do without, I would redirect my
attention to the incredible things we had, and still have. When I felt that
something was too heavy for me to carry, I would know that it was actually
carrying me and I would not fight it anymore. If I saw myself looking at our
situation with any type of contempt, I would learn to be content thorough the
contents of each moment. I would trade my burdens for blessings.
You see, these things were never really burdens at all. They were always
blessings. I didn’t change anything. I didn’t fix anything. I just realized that
there is perfection and beauty, peace and comfort, joy and happiness, love…In
every situation. If you look for heaviness, you will find it. If you open yourself to
the blessings before you, it’s not that they will find you; it’s that you will know
they have been there all the while.
My girlfriend came home the next day with a micro-wave oven and a car full
of groceries, and this would be one of many. Shortly after that, we were
notified that the government finally acknowledged the fact that his service in
World War II had left him 100% disabled. His compensation was raised to a
level we could actually live on. Most important of all, I get to be with my Father
and help him experience a new day. I get to share in his simple joys. I am
blessed enough to go to bed every night and know that I shared something
with him, and that I received so much more back from him. I am 42 years old
and I still have my Dad. How could that be seen as anything less than
beautiful and perfect.
When things seem to be darkest, know that this too shall pass. When
something happens that seems as though IT is going to make everything OK,
know that this too shall pass. What is really meaningful is to know that no
matter what is going on all around you, there is perfection and beauty in all of
it, and that shall never pass.
If something looks like a burden that makes your steps heavier, see it for
the blessing that it is and let it carry you to heights never imagined.
Right now, an 87 year old man, completely dependent on me for
everything, sits in his room singing a song. He saved my life, but that is
another story, for another day.
| Virgil and Billy Ward together at a local Healthfair |
| HOLDS INFORMATION ON UP TO 20 MEDICAL CONDITIONS AND DAILY MEDICATIONS GREAT TOOL FOR CAREGIVERS (View Complete Kit) |